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I just saw the new Rise Against video for “Make it Stop (September’s Children)”, and it really hit home. It is a very powerful anti-bullying video. I was never bullied in high school, but I had many of the same feelings. My family moved after my freshman year of high school to a new city. I had to start over and try to make friends my sophomore year of high school. While I got along with almost everybody, I never met anybody that I considered a real friends. I didn’t really fit into a single cliché. I was a jock on the football team, a band geek playing in concert, pep, and marching bands, and I was also a nerd who took physics and calculus as electives. I was friends with everybody, but not real close to any of them. To this day my best friends are the ones that I have been friends with since the first grade.

I had a real good childhood growing up, but in the back of my head I always wanted to kill myself. This is the first time I have ever came clean about it, mostly because I think that phase of life is in my past. I never new my Grandpa because he killed himself with a gun that he bought my Dad. I have no idea if that sort of thing is hereditary, but in my head I always thought it was. I used that idea to rationalize what was wrong with me in my head. I never mentioned my suicidal thought it anyone because one, I didn’t want anybody interfering with my plans, and two, I didn’t want to be forced to go to therapy. Nothing against therapy, it works great for many people, but I didn’t want anything to do with it. I wanted to be able to rationalize my problems in my own head, and it seemed to work for me. My darkest days were when I started college. I seemed to have even less things in common with the college students, and had no desire to study. What was getting me through those tough times was the great 90s music that I loved. Then that spring, my rock hero, Kurt Cobain killed himself. It was shortly after I read Michael Azerrad’s biography of Nirvana, Come as You Are. That book was amazing and I felt like I had so much in common with Kurt Cobain. Most of my friends didn’t understand Nirvana’s music, but their songs were my anthems. I took Kurt’s suicide hard. So hard that I wanted to join him in Club 27. I actually had mixed feelings when I turned 28. I was disappointed that wouldn’t be a member of club 27, but also relieved that I lived past 27.

I don’t know exactly when the suicidal thoughts ended, but I haven’t had them for years. I don’t know if I out grew them, was able to find more people I could relate to online, or just quit giving a fuck what other people think anymore. I will be seeing Rise Against open up for the Foo Fighters this fall and this song will have a special meaning for me.

It hasn’t been a good last six months for my family. First my Mother-in-law had a heart atack and needed surgery. Then my wife’s aunt was flooded out of her house for a couple months. Then my Grandma died, and now my Dad has cancer.

I don’t think it’s really set in yet. He is still going through tests, but they think he has Multiple Myeloma, which is bone caner. They first thought he was having kidney problems because they were only running at 20% and the protein in his blood was off the charts. They now think the cause of the high protein is the cancer, and they are filtering his blood hoping his kidneys start functioning properly. Originally there was talk about a kidney transplant, and I hope it doesn’t come to that. I don’t know if I would be a proper match, but if I was that would be a really hard decision to make. Now that they think it’s cancer, the tough reality is he probably wont live long enough for a kidney transplant to be worthwhile.

It’s still early in his diagnosis, and we don’t know much yet, but of course we are hoping for the best. I kind of feel guilty for not feeling too sad. Death doesn’t scare me though. It’s going to happen to all of us. Hopefully later rather than sooner. I’m constantly thinking about my Dad, but it does no good for me to get worked up and worried about him. What happens will happen. I’m sure I will feel much different after I visit him next weekend, and everything becomes more real, but for now it is what it is and I’m hoping for the best.